-Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.

-See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

-All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

-No jury in the world is going to convict a baby ... Maybe Texas.

-You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

-Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?

-I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

-Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?

-This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

-She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!

-Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

-Why don't you wait here for inspector Like-I-give-a-damn

-What an interesting story.  I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter

-Whei!  This porridge is too hot!

-That was very entertaining.  How did you make the smoke go?

-Aww, its just a skull shaped rock and a bunch of bone-shaped sticks.

-Lisa: we're trying to solve a murder case.
 Wiggum: mind if I tag along, I'm kind of a crime buff

-Asthma...disappearing, Acne...remains, but asthma disappearing

-Lou: isn't that sweet chief?
 Wiggum: yes, those two longshoremen found love

-My mistake was grabbing the cheese